Losing a baby hurts regardless of what stage of pregnancy you are at.


Since losing Charlie and being thrown into the world of bereavement support we have come to understand how painful, both physically and mentally, child loss is.
Before Charlie came into our lives most of us had never really thought about the effects of child or baby loss. We may have had family members that had been through a miscarriage but it was never really spoken about.
It has only been in the last 5 years or so that this subject is becoming more openly spoke about. The soap's often get slated for their portrayal of difficult storylines but the way that several of them have dealt with baby loss over the last few years has been commendable. Not only have they sensitively looked at the impact it has on all members of the family but they have also raised the profile of bereavement support for families following the loss of a baby or child. This has made it easier for people to go and seek support and it has made the people offering the support more recognisable. There is still a huge gap between the number of services available and the amount of families needing help and support and we can only hope that these services continue to grow.


When we were looking for help there were very limited resources available to us and it felt as if we were just thrown into the abyss. We know that there is more help out there now but it is still inadequate for the amount of families that need it.
Across the UK the picture is pretty much the same as Leeds, although there are some areas that seem to be able to offer a consistently high level of support. We have been campaigning for improvements to the current levels of bereavement support after the loss of a baby or child for several years now and we will not give up our campaign until we see that all families, regardless of where they live, are getting the help they need when they need it.




There are still some people that think that if a woman loses her baby during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy that it isn't a 'big deal'. Often we hear how friends and relatives have even said 'well it isn't really a baby yet'. To that couple, when they saw those lines on the pregnancy test, it is their baby. Having someone they love refer to their baby as not really being a baby yet is so hurtful.


Even the terminology used by the professionals when it comes to losing a baby before 12 weeks makes the family feel that their baby was not valued or respected in their own rites. Often the Dr's and nurses will refer to the baby as 'products of conception' or 'foetus'. Both of these are very impersonal and if you were the parent hearing your child spoken about like this I'm sure you would feel devastated and angry.
I understand that the staff are busy but please remember to show some compassion, these families are facing probably the hardest loss they will ever go through and your treatment of them can make a huge difference to how they are able to process what is happening.


Recently the laws surrounding the certification of babies born before 24 weeks of pregnancy has been in the headlines and a review is currently underway. This could make a big difference to the families who at the moment are not even able to get a certificate acknowledging that their baby was even here. This recognition of their babies existence will have a big impact on the families mental well being as they will have a legal document that shows that their baby did exist.


If a family lose their baby after 24 weeks the family are automatically allowed to register them as a still birth, but if the baby is even just 1 day off from 24 weeks they cannot.


The term 'miscarriage' also has different meanings to different people.
If the baby is lost before 12 weeks it is called an early miscarriage and from 12 - 24 weeks it is classed as a late miscarriage.


When you talk to people about miscarriage they often think that it means that the lady will just naturally pass the baby with very little effect or pain. Some will even say that it must be like just having a period.
However we know that this is not the case for many women.
Whilst some ladies may pass the baby in what they describe as being a 'heavy period' many more will have very different experiences.
Lots of ladies have told us that it started with them beginning to feel contractions and once in hospital they will have to go through full labour to deliver their baby and others have even had to undergo surgery to deliver their child. None of these different ways are going to be painless and will have a very big emotional and mental impact on both the mum and dad.


We have also spoken with parents that have had to make the very difficult decision to end their pregnancy due to either the babies physical health being incompatible with life or that continuing the pregnancy could result in the death of the mother. To even begin to understand how these families feel is impossible.
No one should ever have to make such tragic decisions but then to have their choice referred to as a 'termination' is heart breaking. Many families will not refer to their loss as a termination to family due to the way it makes others think about it. They will say that they have had a miscarriage rather than feel like they are being judged for their decision.
There are still such negative thoughts about the word termination and it gives people the idea that you have chosen to end the pregnancy for no specific reason. None of the families we have spoken with would ever have wanted to make the choice to terminate their pregnancy, their baby was very much wanted and loved.
The word termination usually makes people think of young girls who have become pregnant and are not ready to become a mum.
This is NOT the case for families seeking a termination for medical reasons. There has been some talk about finding a better way of describing it and one that we have been told by a family we support is 'compassionate induction'. I think that this is a much gentler way of describing what the family is going through and could make it much easier for them to openly talk about their loss without fear of being judged.


As a charity we will support any family that has lost a baby or a child regardless of how the loss happened or how long ago it was. No one should ever be judged for the decisions they make about their lives, unless you have walked in their shoes you have no idea how much turmoil they have been through and continue to go through.


Bereavement is hard enough to deal with without the added stress of wondering how people will be with you. If you know a family that have experienced a loss please reach out to them, make them see that there are people out there who care and want to help. It can be as simple as just a smile as you pass by to a hug just at the right time.
Life is to short and to precious to spend your time worrying about what others think. Sharing a problem can help you to cope with it.


No one should ever go through grief alone.