Mother's Day can bring about many different emotions for a grieving mum. Most will have positive memories of when they were younger and enjoyed spoiling their mother and buying presents. Whilst they still want to honour their own mum the day is now overtaken by the grief they feel at not having their child with them.

For weeks and weeks the shops have been marketing 'Mothers Day' with companies like Clinton's and Card Factory having signs everywhere reminding people not to forget their Mothers Day cards and gifts. We know and understand that these businesses have to sell to keep the business running but the over promotion of this day is just another blow to the grieving mum's and serves as another cruel reminder of another holiday spent without their child.

Each year without their child does not make Mother's Day any easier to cope with.

Often we hear that mum's want to hide away or go out somewhere where no one else is going to be as a way of trying to avoid the families out there enjoying the celebrations.

Here are some ideas that can be helpful to you as you approach any special days throughout the year.

Be gentle with yourself

You may be feeling angry, sad, guilty or a range of emotions because your child died before you. It is not the natural order of life, a parent feels that they should never have to bury their child. Don't worry or try to suppress these emotions, they are a very common feeling and need to be acknowledged. 

Don't push yourself into joining others for the celebrations if you do not feel ready for it. You need to protect your own feelings rather than doing what others think you should do.

Seek out emotional support

Seeking help and support is not a sign of weakness, it takes great courage to reach out to others and say you need help. Unfortunately we live in a society that seems to be led by time constraints and deadlines and grief does not come with a time limit. Grief is different for everyone and everyone grieves in their own time.

Be patient with yourself

Try to talk openly about your child with family and friends and encourage them to talk about them as well. Often people don't want to talk as they feel that it will make you feel worse but that can never happen. You are already feeling your worse and by sharing it can make you feel more supported and understood. Hearing your child's name, especially on Mothers Day, can be helpful. You are still a mum and they are still your child it is just that you cannot share the day together. You need to be acknowledged as a mum.

Don't rush yourself either, if you do not feel ready to talk openly about your child don't worry. Just be patient with yourself and acknowledge that it is ok not to be ready yet.

Create your own memorial

On Mothers Day find a way that you can put your energy into doing something in memory of your child.

If you are the grandparent, remember that it can mean so much to your child to send them a card. This acknowledges that they are still a mother and that it is their day as well. Many feel that because they do not have their child with them they don't warrant a card. If anything they need the card more, they need to know that they are remembered for the mother they are. We still get Carrie cards and presents on Mother's Day, she still is and always will be Charlie's mother and needs to be honoured for that.

Light a Candle

Allow yourself time during the day to have some quiet time, maybe light a candle, to sit and have some focussed time. Sometimes this can be quite helpful in giving you some time to think about your child and how they still effect your life every day.

Give yourself permission to grieve and talk

Whilst some people might make you feel uncomfortable talking about your child it is so important that you do so. If your child had stayed with you then people would expect you to be talking about them, just because they are not here does not make them any less important. You need to share them with others and are proud to talk about them. You will find the people that want to hear about them and are happy to share their memories with you. Make sure that these are the ones that you surround yourself with on Mother's Day. Grieving needs you to talk about them, acknowledge that they were here and celebrate the achievements they made. We all talk with great pride of Charlie's 19 minutes of life. He was a tough cookie who fought to try and stay with his mummy. Charlie's life, however small, has gone on to affect so many lives and we will always want to talk about him and celebrate his contribution to the changes in bereavement support.

Talk with your spouse/partner

Talking to your spouse/partner and encourage them to express their feelings as well. Even if the partner isn't the child's biological parent they are still affected by their death. They love you and seeing you struggle is difficult for them. Talking can help them to understand how the death has changed your life. They want to feel that they can support and help you.

If they are the biological parent they too need to grieve and often partners don't seem to want to talk to each other. Often I think this is because they both feel that they will upset the other one if they talk about their baby. In reality sharing their thoughts and emotions can help them both to try and cope with the pain and grief.

If you know a bereaved family remember to wish them a happy Mothers' Day, Fathers' Day, Baby's' birthday, they will appreciate that you have both remembered them and that you have acknowledged that they are still parents.