Friday 23 June 2017

What can you possibly say to parents who have lost a baby or child without it sounding wrong? What can you do to try and help them?
This is something we hear a lot from friends or family members of a family who have lost their baby or child.
No one is an expert when it comes to this 'out of the natural order of things' tragedy. The grief a bereaved parent feels is felt so deep within and is individually expressed. Everybody responds in different and unique ways.
As a bereaved family ourselves, we feel deep compassion for any parent who loses a baby or child of any age.
We can understand the chaos and confusion, that the families are feeling. We know that all-consuming pain and the longing that it didn't happen.
But what can you say to someone who has lost a child? 
"I am so sorry," is a start.
 And sometimes this is probably all that is needed to be  said.
There are many things that people can do. Some are just very simple gestures but they can mean so much to the family and shows love and empathy for their current situation. 
Initially it may be that you are there for them whilst they sit and cry, being with someone can make them feel safer in their grief. Some days you may even sit and cry with them, and this is ok, it shows you care and feel the loss.
Another way you can help is by making extra meals when you are cooking and taking them round. Whilst they are in these early days of grief eating and cooking is easily forgotten. Time stands still and days blend into each other. On many days they will not want to get out of bed, much less shop, cook and take care of themselves.
Other ways to help can be to take over simple chores that need doing like mowing the lawn, getting the shopping or putting the bins out, again these things come way down on their list of priorities and often won't even come into their mind. 
Making regular visits to check in with them can be really beneficial and can make them feel supported.  Sometimes being there to give them a hug and holding them as they cry is all that is needed. Grief can feel very lonely and your continued visits really can make a difference.
And above all, the most important thing people can do is to remember their child and say their name. This could be remembering birthdays and anniversaries, taking little memorial gifts for their house or garden or sharing memories.
A lot of friends or family will say "I just can't imagine ..." No family can ever imagine this path for their lives either. But now it has happened they need you to be able to try to imagine. Sitting quietly and listening as they open up to you about what has happened and trying to help them feel less alone.
I read this quote earlier and I think it is so true,
 "Silence is sometimes the best thing to do, holding a hand, hugging somebody. There are no words that explain or would make any difference to the suffering. Sometimes people say, 'I don't know what to say to these people.' You know, I say don't say anything. Just hold their hand. Hold them, hug them and just stay around for an hour or so in silence and just be there. That's what is needed at times like this ..."
Most bereaved families will need this for the rest of their lives.  The people surrounding them may recover from the deaths of their children but the bereaved family will never fully recover. 
If you know a family that is trying to keep going after the loss of their baby or child, maybe this weekend pop round to see how they are, take a meal round or just make them a cup of tea and sit with them for a while.

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