Many people really want to help a friend or family member who is experiencing a loss or bereavement but words often fail them, often leaving them struggling for the right thing to say. Some people are 
so afraid to say or do the wrong thing that they choose to do nothing
at all. Doing nothing at all is an option, but it’s not often a good one.

While there is no perfect way to respond or to support someone you
care about, here are some good rules.

You have a supporting role, in your friend’s grief. So many of the suggestions, advice and “help” given to the griever tells them they should be doing this differently, or feeling differently than they do. 
Grief is a very personal experience, and belongs entirely to the 
person experiencing it. You may think that you would do things differently if it had happened to you. We hope you don't get the 
chance to find out. This grief belongs to your friend, follow their 
lead.

It’s tempting to make statements about the past or the future when
your friend’s present life holds so much pain. You cannot know what
the future will be, for yourself or your friend, it may or may not be better “later.” That your friend’s life was good in the past is not a fair trade
for the pain of now. Stay present with your friend, even when the
present is full of pain.

It’s also tempting to make generalised statements about the situation
in an attempt to soothe your friend. You cannot know that your 
friend’s loved one is in a “better place.” These statements aren’t 
helpful. Stick with the truth: "this hurts. I love you. I’m here".

Your friend’s loss cannot be fixed or repaired or solved. The pain 
itself cannot be made better. Do not say anything that tries to fix the unfixable. It is a relief to have a friend who does not try to take the
pain away.

Being with someone in pain is not easy. You will have things come
up like stresses, questions, anger, fear, guilt. Your feelings will likely
be hurt. You may feel ignored and unappreciated. Your friend cannot show up for their part of the relationship very well. Please don’t take
it personally, and please don’t take it out on them. You will need to 
find someone else to lean on at this time. It’s important that you are supported while you support your friend. 

Do not say “Call me if you need anything,” because your friend will
not call. This won't be because they do not need, but because 
identifying a need, figuring out who might fill that need, and then making a phone call to ask is way beyond their energy levels or 
capacity . Instead, make definite offers: “I will be there at 4 p.m. on Thursday,” or “I will stop by each morning on my way to work.” 
But remember be reliable.

The actual, heavy, real work of grieving is not something you can do, 
but you can lessen the burden of “normal” life requirements for your
friend. Are there recurring tasks or chores that you might do? Things
like walking the dog, bringing in the mail and offering to go to the
shops are all good choices. Support your friend in small, ordinary 
ways.

Depending on the circumstance, there may be difficult tasks that 
need tending to like packing and 
sorting of rooms. Offer your help and follow through with your 
offers. Follow your friend’s lead in these tasks. Your presence 
alongside them is powerful and important; words are often 
unnecessary. 

To the griever, the amount of people who want to show their support
can be seriously overwhelming. What is an intensely personal and private time can begin to feel like living in a fish bowl. There might 
be ways you can shield your friend by setting yourself up as the designated point person, the one who relays information to the 
outside world, or organizes well-wishers. 

You may find that other friends or family members ask you for information about your friend. You can normalize grief with 
responses like,”She has good moments and bad moments and will 
for quite some time. An loss changes every detail of your life.” If someone asks you about your friend a little further down the road, 
you might say things like, “Grief never really stops. It is something
you carry with you in different ways.

Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something.
Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. 
Be present. Be a friend.