As the grandparent of a grandchild in heaven I understand how difficult it can be to experience the death of a grandchild. The grandparent/grandchild relationship is a very special one. When a grandchild dies, a grandparent grieves. They grieve not only for their grandchild, but also for the grief of the bereaved parents. 

For some grandparents, the hardest part is a sense of helplessness.

They feel the pain that the child’s parents suffer, but their own grief may also be very intense. When a child dies, both the parents and grandparents lose a big part of their present and their future. 

Grief is very individual, a bereaved grandmother can often grieve differently than the grandfather and this difference can sometimes create a tension between them. This does not mean that one of them is right and the other wrong. They are both struggling to cope with their own grief as well as supporting the rest of the family. 

There is not one right way to grieve.

Knowing what usually happens in grief can help bereaved grandparents as they grieve. It can also help them as they try to understand their child’s grief and as healing slowly occurs for all.

Grief is said to have several stages. However, most bereaved grandparents do not grieve step by step. 

Grief is disorderly and irrational.

At the time of the death of a loved one, there is a protective numbness. Even though they know that the loved one has died, their minds want to deny it. They may find themselves talking of the grandchild as if the child were still alive. 

The ache in the chest can become a constant companion. As the denial lessens, grandparents begin to feel great hurt and frustration. This could lead to anger directed at others and at themselves. 
Guilt, real or imagined, is always there with the recurring “What ifs?” “Why didn’t I?”. As they try to resolve their guilt feelings, anger often returns in full force. 
Grandparents may experience all of this twice, Once for the grandchild who died, and then for the parents who have their own guilt, anger and pain to cope with. Guilt may occur because they live on, while the young one has died. This is not the natural order of life and can be very difficult to accept and understand.

Sometimes depression is a very real part of grief. It may be overwhelming to bereaved grandparents who may fear that they are going crazy. Bereaved grandparents also worry about the emotional well being of their grieving child.

Time is a slow healer during grief, which lasts much longer than our society is yet to admit or understand. Many families are pressured into feeling 'normal' again, and 'get back to normality'.

Talking with those who have had the same experience can be really useful. Grandparents can help other grandparents in this way by sharing experiences and helping each other to realise that what they have been feeling is totally normal. Some find help in reading about grief and the experiences of others, particularly of grandparents. They may be helped in dealing with their children’s grief by reading about parental grief itself. Some draw comfort and strength from their religious faith, although that faith may be severely tested. 

Those who grieve are tired much of the time. 

Men may have grown up with the tradition that men don’t cry, although they know that this is not true in their private moments. They may feel that they must remain composed so that they can support their wives and children in their grief. 

The family may feel that grandparents are not grieving, although in reality they are feeling the same doubt, guilt, anger and despair as others. Tears have healing properties and should not be suppressed by grandparents since they are a part of grief.

Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of grief is the question that grandparents/parents continually face: Why? 
Friends try to comfort with answers but for the bereaved, no answer exists.  

Bereaved grandparents and parents will be told that they must get back to normal. But what is now normal for them will never be the same as it was before the child’s death. Life without that child must go on and as healing occurs, it will. 
Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries including that of the child’s death, may be stressful times. Allow time and space for your own emotional needs.
There will be a deeper appreciation for those children and grandchildren who are around. 
There will be a greater understanding of others who experience similar loss. 
Many grandparents become more compassionate because of the tragic event that has touched their lives. 

Healing will help the bereaved accept the new life which has been forced upon them.

Grief is the price we pay for loving. Grandparents love both the dead grandchild and the grieving parents. As they grieve and try to understand the parents, healing will occur.  Although they retain scars, grandparents will recall the happy times they once shared with their children and their grandchildren and not just the tragedy and sense of loss that they have come to know.  

We all have to find our own path through grief.

But we do not have to walk it alone.